Congratulations

     A day ago, I went on facebook to see Jared logged onto facebook chat. As soon as I clicked onto his name, BAM! He was off. The funny thing is that today, I saw that he mentioned how he was the luckiest man in the world and was currently in a relationship.   -_-  

   Congrats to him, I just wish that I hadn't sent any texts to him. Had I known that he was talking to another woman, I wouldn't have sent him stuff or tried anything. I don't like that feeling of stepping on another woman's toes. And this makes me feel as if I were just a stepping stone to get a girlfriend.


   I listened to my "He's Just Not That Into You" and realized just how much I've fallen. After listening to it, I immediately went to my facebook profile and started deleting all inappropriate photos of me. (Some were I was wearing a cami, looking suggestive fully clothed, anything that would have caused my grandmother alarm before her death was gone.)


I don't know what any of this means, it's just that right now. At this very moment, I never want to think, talk or hint at sex to another human being let alone a guy. I've portrayed myself as this sex vixen and it's gotten me nowhere. The guys that I've liked have seen this side and gone on to have girlfriends, wives or become celibate. I talked to a guy while I was waiting in line and I had fun. I didn't talk about sex, we just talked and even though the conversation was kind of shallow I enjoyed it.
          For once, I didn't make myself into what I thought someone would want me to be. I wasn't a plaything, I wasn't a hole for someone to fuck. I was just me and I was a nameless woman who had fun talking to a guy about movies.

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Horoscope compatibility

Say say say

           I don't want to have sex ever again. My vagina doesn't care to have something or someone push against it or taste it. My mind is blocked and all I can think about how sex is not special, not good, interesting, fun or exciting anymore. It's just something people do when they're bored.


         Let me back up

*le sigh* I added Nicky onto facebook again  and we somewhat talked. He thought we had stopped due to him not sending nude photos when it was something entirely different. After I told him why I deleted him as a friend he apologized but there wasn't . . . I didn't care. A few months ago, I would have looked into this and that and carried a torch but now? I can barely drum up anything but a "I hope he sincerely finds whatever it is that he's looking for." He's a cool guy but I'm numb to him. I don't want to do anything with him or with Jared.

Oh yes, Jared. I send him racy texts but honestly, I don't care. I send him the texts, I mention what I want to do to him but I don't really want to do anything. I don't want to have sex with any of my male friends, or make out with them.

          The reason for that is because I've watched Dare Dorm where there's been a few clips of women of color. Out of the three videos that have women of color, only one has the guy seeking her out. In the other two, she's demure and that's why the guy's fucking her or she's overtly sexual, leaving her alone because the guys don't want to fuck her until they've fucked their main girl. My sex life for the last two years has been like this. I've had sex with two guys but it's because I've been aggressive in seeking them out. I saw myself as the woman who was overtly sexual and realized just how pathetic it was. The guys made it known that they weren't interested but she didn't get the hint. She kept interrupting couples and trying to get the guys to sleep with her. Wasn't until the butt end that the guys did. But by that time, he couldn't keep it up and they kept having to stop and she'd have to give him head to get him hard again.

            Based on my past actions with Nicky and Jared, I'm her. I'm throwing myself at these guys and hoping that one will look at me and want to do something. Here's the thing: THEY DON'T WANT TO. If I had looked at things, I would have noticed it in the emails and facebook messages and their actions. But like her, I think I was looking for something that wasn't there.

Sometimes I scare myself

In my dark times, I scare myself. I conjure up things, images, acts that I wish I could play but know I wouldn't. I dart back and forth between the lines, when I complain about how you're not emotional. My nails pull at your hair, ripping out follicles. I secretly melt and shudder at the thought of your eyes wet with tears and your face red from me slapping you. 

I get intoxicated at the thought of you digging your nails into my flesh, leaving half crescent moons into the meat of my arms. Slamming me against the wall, crying out in fear and excitement as your fists pound on the wall. Whimpering as you yell at me in controlled anger. On impulse, I'd smirk at the fact you lost control and I made you feel this way. 

This never happens however. You simply shake your head at my statement and turn away, as I try to goad you on your lack of emotion.

Article

I agree with 10, 9, 7-1. 8? Not so much. . . .



Women's top 10 Fantasies

Damnit

It seems that nothing ever really happens. I told you that I'd get rid of his number and I would block him from my news feed. I did that and stopped masturbating for a total of . . . five days? Then I caved, downloaded new porn and came in a matter of seconds. He then texted me out of the blue and I promptly fell asleep, as I had work the next morning. Since then. . . NADA.

I've been overtexting him and it's hit me that he's a Pisces. I knew he was a Pisces before hand but I've been reading my sextrology book on Pisces and Scorpion males. (Which has some interesting items of what gets them off.) I personally like being pursued and I don't feel comfortable being the aggressive one. I want him to text me silly and tell me when he's available for this eating me out. However, I know that by the time he does get ready, I will probably be on my period again or some other shit will happen.

Oh and some stuff about Pisces and Scorpio.  :-/

Still straight. Okay

I wish

I like it fast, I like it slow. Sometimes I want to be held down. Blindfolded with cloth and bondage tape. Teasing  my lips with your tongue. Turning me over, pressing your face into my folds. My hands are tied and I can't pull you forward. All I can do is wriggle my hips, hoping for some leverage as your tongue works its magic on my clit.

Fun times ahead

I am challenging myself to see how long I can go.

My objective is to see how long I can go without sex. No racy texts, no dirty facebook messages, no dry humping, making out, no attempts at vaginal, oral or anal sex. And absolutely, NO masturbation.

Here are the rules:

• Since he's already hidden from me on the newsfeed and blocked on foxfire, I'm deleting his number from my cell phone.
• I'm deleting all 10 GB of porn off the hard drive.
• Instead of staying up looking at porn, I'll go to bed.
• If I have to masturbate, I can only masturbate for thirty minutes every seven days.
• If I get the urge, I'll look at something gross or imagine the most fucked up images that I've seen and blocked from my head.

This entire thing starts . . .right. . NOW

Never got around to it

This shit is getting real old. 

To make a long story short, some stuff went down and I wasn't able to see Jared. I sent him a text about not meeting and haven't gotten a response. A few weeks ago, he was frank about sex and now? Nothing. Same thing happened with Nicky and that's when he mentioned that he had sex with another woman.


Ah. It makes sense now.