Say say say

           I don't want to have sex ever again. My vagina doesn't care to have something or someone push against it or taste it. My mind is blocked and all I can think about how sex is not special, not good, interesting, fun or exciting anymore. It's just something people do when they're bored.


         Let me back up

*le sigh* I added Nicky onto facebook again  and we somewhat talked. He thought we had stopped due to him not sending nude photos when it was something entirely different. After I told him why I deleted him as a friend he apologized but there wasn't . . . I didn't care. A few months ago, I would have looked into this and that and carried a torch but now? I can barely drum up anything but a "I hope he sincerely finds whatever it is that he's looking for." He's a cool guy but I'm numb to him. I don't want to do anything with him or with Jared.

Oh yes, Jared. I send him racy texts but honestly, I don't care. I send him the texts, I mention what I want to do to him but I don't really want to do anything. I don't want to have sex with any of my male friends, or make out with them.

          The reason for that is because I've watched Dare Dorm where there's been a few clips of women of color. Out of the three videos that have women of color, only one has the guy seeking her out. In the other two, she's demure and that's why the guy's fucking her or she's overtly sexual, leaving her alone because the guys don't want to fuck her until they've fucked their main girl. My sex life for the last two years has been like this. I've had sex with two guys but it's because I've been aggressive in seeking them out. I saw myself as the woman who was overtly sexual and realized just how pathetic it was. The guys made it known that they weren't interested but she didn't get the hint. She kept interrupting couples and trying to get the guys to sleep with her. Wasn't until the butt end that the guys did. But by that time, he couldn't keep it up and they kept having to stop and she'd have to give him head to get him hard again.

            Based on my past actions with Nicky and Jared, I'm her. I'm throwing myself at these guys and hoping that one will look at me and want to do something. Here's the thing: THEY DON'T WANT TO. If I had looked at things, I would have noticed it in the emails and facebook messages and their actions. But like her, I think I was looking for something that wasn't there.