Good lord, I can be a fuck up at times

 I'm an evil twat, sent to cause misery.
I cut away from friendships, I snark when I'm hurt,
I cry after holding it in, and smile at pain.
I'm a jealous bitch when I see you talking to girls.
Your eyes are glowing, your smile is intoxicating and I wish I could be happy.
I wish I could say, "Good for him!"
But that'd be a lie. Hell, it's been a lie. My heart sinks, I become quiet and people ask me why I'm so down.
Part of me wants to say, "Because he doesn't like me at all! He thinks I'm a scary, creepy, cunty bitch who throws herself at men!"
But then they'd just tell me to stop liking you and move on.

I wish I didn't like you, I wish I never met you in class.
I'd love to forget your eyes and your awkward laugh.
I wish you could hold your liquor.
Anything would do, if it meant this crush would end quicker.

I wish you could tell me that you find me disgusting, that the thought of my face
makes you sick to your stomach. Tell me how silly I sound,
how my voice grates on your nerves. How every time you see me, your soul shrinks a bit as your body prepares for an attack.

I want you to hate me, from every fiber of your being. I can't have you being nice to me.
I wish you would tell me, no demand me, to leave you alone.
To stop being your facebook friend
and to go back home.

That's what I really need. I want you to tell me to stop liking you and to move on. I need to it hear from your lips, with you being serious.

I don't need hope, it confuses and scares me.

I've had recent dreams about him, remembering him from when I last saw him. Middle school. We got into a fight & I told him that I hated him and would hate him forever.

I've been thinking of him and I can't stop it. I've tried and I don't know why I got excited when he added me as a friend. I wanted to be a friend to him and we started talking and he looked nice. Good. I wanted to fuck his brains out. Is it wrong that I still want to? Even though he has a girlfriend, and seem really happy, I'm looking at his damn facebook page and going, "Yeah, I fucked this up."


I find myself wondering how big he is and wishing that I had his head buried in between my legs. Thinking of how I would have loved to have been experimenting with him and using my bondage tape. But a las, he now has a girlfriend. Damn him and Damn Drop Dead Fred.

My mouth

My mouth is dirty. I know where it's been. My mouth is trouble because it likes to discover new bodies. My tongue takes over my brain and I'm left with hunting. My teeth love to bite, love to nibble on objects, body parts, leaving marks. Trails of destruction on stomachs, necks, nipples, anything it can get it's hands on.

My mouth loves to kiss, to suck at things.

I thought of you

I thought of you coming home from Norway. I imagined how you'd feel in my arms, smelling of herbal pot and wheat grass. How your hand would lightly graze my ass in mistake and I'd feel myself get wet. Your leg pushing itself into my clit as my dress would hike higher. How we'd chuckle over the awkwardness of it all.

 I thought of you and me stuck in a movie theater and what I'd do to you. I'd circle my fingers around your cock, tugging on your head. How your hand would at first resist mine before giving in and pull it out. And in that darkened theater room, I'd hike up my dress and ever so calmly, rise out of my seat and straddle you in the dark. Biting your lip, your ear as my fingers travel downward, searching for you.

I want your head in between my legs. That's the image that's been popping in my head.

Just your face buried into my pussy.




And I gave up having sex for this.

No more

Since last writing, I was struck twice with the sex bug. I had sex yet again and it was for shame. Feelings weren't involved on my part of the end and I haven't talked to the person since.

Mainly because it was as I was having an orgasm that it hit me. I want to be in a relationship and have someone kiss me while fucking my brains out. I don't want to not be able to kiss them or feel sick seeing them half-naked. <=Deja vu (wtf)

But I digress.

I'm still going to try to write out all my sick, sick fantasies as they haven't left my brain. I have a crush on a coworker and one of my managers mentioned that I have "the blow job look". What's that look? Someone who looks like they give head and love doing it. I won't agree or disagree with her analysis because a lady never tells. :-)

Oh. . . yeah. . .

I don't know why, but guys have a habit of showing me their junk. I don't personally know why but they feel comfortable showing me some type of their junk. Whether it's just the balls or the entire thing. :-/


Thus far, I have seen about . . .  7 guys nuts. Which doesn't seem like a lot but to me, is hella much.

Why am I playing with fire?

Right now I'm thinking of what to do. My mind's playing tricks on me because it's fucking with my mind. All I've been thinking about is sex, nonstop.  

TMI post

Perfect penis?

It's raining and I'm feeling the heat. I usually feel horny going into the spring and summer. Now? I'm feeling mostly unsexy, fat, bloated, bald, prickly and realizing that this is my life.

Ah. Fall.

 

Dear Weather, fuck you

I didn't fuck him. 

Let me back up a bit and say that I like him. I like him for being resistant against my bad faults and for having a sense of humor. That being said, I wrote that post hoping that he'd see it and say something.

Instead, he was focused on his project and less on the computer screen. I tried several times and about ten minutes or more passed before he looked up and read the screen. His exact words were, "Ok. . . Well. Are you going to go capture now?"

I then talked about getting Ice Cream and we left for Pizza Shuttle. We talked as he drove us there and it felt nice.

Do I talked about sex a lot? Yes. Do I want sex? Kind of. I'd like it but not all the time. And I felt giddy as we ate pizza and drank Icee's and talked about jobs and school and the future.